Archive | May, 2013

Communic-Hating

13 May

As much as I wish I wasn’t, I’m a hater at heart.

As much as I give my clients (and friends) good advice about how to cope in an imperfect world, I still struggle because I have such high expectations of people. The comments in this post illustrate this.

I desperately want people to drop the sarcasm, be nice to themselves, show an interest in others, ask questions, be compassionate and care for their children – so badly that it hurts. So much that sometimes I don’t know what to say and other times I need to take a deep breath and occasionally I have to leave the room. It’s hard. I’ve come to realise that the struggle is a valid part of my journey which has great potential for self improvement, although in many of my recent challenges I’ve failed to ‘find the gift’ and have just slipped into old habits.

I understand the solution to this problem intellectually but my deep rooted emotions are fierce and seductive. Tegan & Sara know how to explain it. It’s sort of like smoking, you wake up all haggard and croaky wishing never to smoke again but by lunchtime you’re rolling one ‘for later’, but then decide to just have it now. It pulls you in, you want it, even though you really don’t.

At first I thought continuing to do the same thing rather than making a change was simply the easy way out but it would seem that staying the same actually requires more effort, creates more discomfort and has a greater cost in the long run. Why then am I so reluctant to simply accept ‘what is’? Why can’t I just be fine when Bob’s parents talk over him, cut down his ideas and completely ignore him? And why can’t I just agree with people who never expect life to get any better or who blame others for their problems?

Why!?

I know better I guess. In fact on the outside I probably come across pretty chilled or maybe even a bit deadpan but inside often I am tense! My control freak tendencies remain over the top and shamefully hidden. Then I carry my stress around with me unable to let it go! I know that avoidance is never a great solution but for now it’s the only one I have apart from just breathing through it …. phew.

Sellout

11 May

Yep. I am. Remember this post where I righteously crapped on about how good it was not having a TV? Well some of those reasons I gave you have changed and I’ve changed a little too…

Last time I owned a TV I watched it a lot. I had a hard time turning it off and was always searching for something else to watch but after 2 years without one I am glad to say that I am over this. I know what I like and what I want to watch everything else can piss off.

Having a child makes you realise how precious free time is and seriously – I have much better things to be doing than watching shit I don’t like. So yes, it’s on most days for an hour or so am I am ok with that. When I worked at Radio Adelaide, we were taught about how people listen to the radio for background noise and for a sense of company – well I could sure use some company! Even if it’s only a TV for now.

I’m somewhat of an independent hardass but once again, having a child has made me aware of my lack of local support & family. It’s just Me, Bob & Dottie on our little lonesome up here in mountain town which most of the time works famously well. But sometimes I do feel isolated and I must say it’s nice to have a little distraction to turn to.

So, yes I have arrived on the dark side, please welcome me… and expect a few more rants about TV shows.

The Truth

8 May

It’s been over 6 months since I made a post on the blog. It’s not because I haven’t had anything to say and it’s not because I’ve had a baby and now all of a sudden I’ve forgotten about my blog. Apart from the fact that I managed an exhibition in the Fringe Festival, planned and ran my first few workshops in over 2 years, went on a trip to Adelaide AND have been caring for a baby – who is now 9 MONTHS OLD! Apart from all of that…

I’ve been dealing with something that is too hard to explain. Normally all you badasses hear it straight, I tell things to you straight, even when it’s not pretty or when I’m not proud of myself. But now, what’s been going on for me is so personal… so confusing that I just can’t seem to get it straight in my own head first before explaining it out loud. Definitely not something that I’m used to struggling with.

Many times I’ve started to write, with the intention of sharing my situation but I end up just freezing and no words come. This has been blocking me for so long now that I think it’s best just to address it, share what I can and move on. Hopefully I’ll be able to get back into the swing of things and keep the momentum going (you know that comments always get me going). So let me just say this: I had a more difficult time with childbirth than I let anyone know (a true hardass). I did not recover well. Everyday I am reminded of this. And even though I am feeling much better and will continue to do so I feel that it’s important to tell you the truth. The truth is… sometimes I will tell you that I’m fine – when actually I’m not.