Retreat

2 Aug

During the first week that I was at home waiting for Dottie to arrive, I filled  my schedule with normal activities. I was nervous about getting bored or impatient if I wasn’t busy. But when I my due date came and went the following week everything changed.

I lost my desire to connect with friends and family and despite feeling the urge to get out for a walk I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. The idea of going to the shops and facing the questions and judgements of everyone I encounter was my worst nightmare. I’d had enough of other people’s opinions and I just wanted to retreat from the world.

I had well meaning friends and family calling, texting emailing and facebooking me constantly asking what was going on and I couldn’t stand having the same conversation with everyone over and over. I disconnected the home phone, turned off my mobile and avoided the internet. I felt as if the world was getting impatient with me and I became frustrated. I know that these people were acting out of excitement and love however the bombardment was just too much for me. Why couldn’t they just trust me to let them know once the baby arrived?

I bunkered down in the house and waited, everyday hoping that this would be the day but also somehow knowing that it wasn’t going to be. I knew that on the day she would come I would be certain and “hope” wouldn’t even come into it.

I was in the midst of my transition into motherhood. Within myself I felt ready, all that was missing was the child! I had let go of my old life. The part of me that had lived without children was fading away and a mother was emerging. It was as if I had entered a tunnel of transformation, I was in neither place any more… and until I emerged out the other side, I wasn’t able to “be myself” with others because the true essence of who I am was changing. I needed that girl in my arms before I could reconnect with people, confident and refreshed within my new self.

When a baby is born there is a strange mixture of excitement and blessings as well as magical moments of stillness and gratitude. Dottie arrived later than expected and looking back, I needed that time out to escape from the world before getting caught in the whirlwind of celebration. On the 5th day that she was “overdue” I stopped struggling and willing it to happen and I simply found the joy in anticipation and the peace in the waiting. What a gift.

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