Archive | October, 2009

Over the hill

27 Oct

So recently I got really depressed. Like real bad. Crying and stressed, not able to see a positive future, not able to see a solution to problems and just perpetually noticing the shit around me instead of the good. Everything seemed too hard.

I can see Mount Wellington and the lights of Hobart from my bedroom for fucks sake! Things are really not too bad. But I insist on focusing on the rubbish along the side of the road or the broken oven or some other element of dodgyness that we have uncovered in the house. Does it matter? Is it worth getting all shitty over?
I was just using every little thing I could as an excuse to prove how bad things were. And everyday my neck and shoulders were becoming more and more painful.

My good friend Chris used to say to his clients “If you just focus on this big pile of shit in front of you, guess what you’re gonna yet? Shit. So how about looking beyond the shit and seeing what else you can find?” I tried this, I wrote a list of things that are going well in my life right now and I couldn’t think of many.

My bladder problem came back 3 weeks after my last hospital visit. I called the Uro and he had a 3 week wait for an appointment. I finally went to the Uro and he said that I needed a more painful procedure that required an overnight stay in hospital. I spoke to Medibank Private who said that they would only cover a small amount of it. I spoke to the hospital who told me that the remaining amount is over $1200. Big pile of shit.

Not to mention that considering the stricture is caused by scar tissue, that there is every chance it will decide to come back of it’s own accord whenever it wants requiring me to have more expensive and painful hospital visits to get some temporary relief. What a shitty thought. I had been having lots of them recently.

I was literally having breakdowns every couple of days and just not able to cope with the simplest of situations. I needed to desperately change something. I had boxed myself into a little prison where everything was bad and I didn’t want to do anything to make it better – especially if it cost money.

I have issues around spending money on myself, it somehow seems like a waste but then again I can easily justify that another person spending money on themselves is perfectly reasonable.
Then I cracked.

I climbed to the top of the hill and looked back on the weeks of discomfort I had put myself through and made a decision then and there to treat myself better. I made an appointment for a massage for my neck.

When I went to the massage, I cringed as I handed over my $65 and then I made another appointment. Then I got stuck into working on business, organising appointments and seminars (free of course) to help me with starting up.

I decided I needed a day to relax so I went to the Botanical Gardens and walked around for hours.

I sat in the sun and wrote in my little notebook with a pink felt tip pen. When I was hungry I allowed myself to spend money on food and a coffee – I so rarely do this!

Then later that week Bob took the afternoon off and we drove to some places around Hobart that we’ve never been.

When you don’t earn an income you lose your sense of self worth. I had convinced myself that I was worth nothing. Spending a couple of bucks on lunch made me realise that when you spend money on yourself, you give yourself a little subconscious message that you are worth spending money on. I even did it again today.

I’ve been avoiding yoga classes because they are too expensive (even though I get so much value out of them) and last week I saw an ad in the local paper for a class that’s just down the road that is $5! I have no excuse now. I plan to go to this class tomorrow. Things are looking up.
Today I made Vegan Fetta Cheese. I didn’t have any cheese cloth so I wrapped it in a hanky!

I’ll give you a report on the outcome of the hospital visit next week.

The baking soda thing

13 Oct

Ok so I did some tests and this is the verdict:

Baking Soda Rules.

I did my initial test – three days, no smell, all good. I decided that I should stop double dipping my armpit applicating fingers into the stuff in the cupboard so a bought a new box of sodium bicarbonate for $3.50.
I poured some of it into a small plastic container and added a few drops of lavender oil for a nice smell. I have now been using baking soda deodorant for over a week and I am hooked! It’s awesome.

When Bob first came home from his trip away for work I used the roll on again just to see how it compared. I couldn’t believe how horrible it was. All this gooey liquid in my armpits, yuck! Since using the powder I have grown used to deodorant feeling dry and fresh as it goes on. The roll on was like rubbing sticky jelly on my skin. That convinced me that I would make the switch forever.

Each morning I pinch a tiny bit of powder between my thumb and middle finger and rub it gently under my arm. That’s it. I use less than a quarter of a teaspoon in one application. I have estimated that my little tub (approximately 100ml) will last me over a year at this rate. That sure beats paying heaps of money for gross smelling sprays or gooey roll on whose packaging will just be thrown away and forgotten about.

I need less of that shit.

I’ve been going for three day intervals in between hair washes recently and I have been gradually cutting down the amount of product that I use when I do wash it. My hair is longer now than it has been in over 10 years and I’m using less shampoo than ever. Smaller than a 10c piece worth. I really don’t know why I thought I needed so much more. It’s really just a waste.

I’ve heard about people using baking soda and vinegar in place of shampoo and conditioner. I will report back when I finally try it.

anyway…
Today I saw an echinda. It was so cute.
Yesterday I went to Mount Wellington and I filled up my water bottle from a waterfall flowing from melted snow. It’s the greatest tasting water ever.
My oven and stove are broken – it’s quite annoying. Goodnight.